Confessions of a Brain Injured Child's Mom

1. I no longer have the time to do all of the things I want for family and friends.

2. I always heard that 3 was the new 2, I have no idea what everyone was talking about.

3. I think our handicap pass is a perk, tempted to use it when Avi is not in the car...BUT NEVER WOULD!!

4. I sometimes find it hard to go to parties, but force myself because I know it's best for all of us.

5. I feel pangs of sadness on a daily basis for the mom I was prior to the accident.

6. I won't allow myself, but for the first time in my life, I can fully understand how someone would turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the unrelenting pain from within.

7. I learned to be careful for what you wish for. I always wanted a baby that I could hold and love and now I have just that.

8. I always wanted to live "in the moment" and now am forced to. It is not at all over rated.

9. I wish I had a child who talked back to me.

10. I can't return phone calls, e-mails, etc. as quickly as I used to. It drives me insane!!

11. I don't have enough time to follow all of the blogs I wish to.

12. I want my friends to still come to me with their problems. I don't want them to think, that I think, that they think, that I think, they are trivial or unimportant. That was fun.

13. I think that pain is pain and don't like to get in the comparison game of who has more.

14. I have become a complete recluse because of the accident and therapy.

15. My new social life consists of my blog, doctors appointments, Facebook (holy crap, did I just say that?!) and a few face to face encounters with family and friends. Yep, it's a fact.

16. Asking for help is one of my biggest challenges to overcome. In now having to, I have been pushed so far out of my comfort zone. Thank you to everyone who helps us, especially my "patterning peeps!" You know who you are :o)

17. I wear the same outfit two days in a row, as it is one less thing to think about.

18. I think I have been amazingly lucky in life, but realize in the kid arena.....not so much! I have stumbled every single step of the way.

19. The way this blog formats itself drives me to want to gouge my eyes out with forks!!!

20. I don't want friends and family to feel funny or awkward around us.

21. This blog was and is the most unexpected blessing. No matter how overwhelmed, I do my best to take time out to write. It is as though I have found a hidden treasure buried under a rock. I have found this to be my favorite kind of therapy. I am so thankful for this little spot and all of you who care enough to read about our families journey!

Little Something

Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my last post! It was so nice getting to know a little something about you. I read all of your comments as I went through my day Friday. I found myself on both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in between. I would be laughing out loud in one moment and then later, heartbroken with another. Thank you so much for sharing your stories, they are what this crazy, beautiful life is all about!

About You

I feel like this is always, me, me, me, and more me.

I’m curious about you. If you want, please tell me something about you, whether it’s…..

Unique

Interesting

Sad

Something you’re proud of

Something you can do that no one else can (think David Letterman’s Stupid Human Tricks)

Something that’s on your mind…..right….now!

Anything.

I’ll start….hee hee....me again....geeeeeez........

How about a funny story today, one to break the slew of recent sad ones. Well, now that I think about it, this one's not really funny, but I suppose I can laugh about it now :o)

When I was about 8, my cousin and I were making chocolate chip cookies, you know, with one of those big Kitchen Aid Mixers. I thought I heard my brother coming down the hall and leaned to see. My hair got caught in the beaters. I went to turn it off, but was up side down and turned it all the way up.

Luckily, my cousin has cat like reflexes and ran over to turn the crazy machine off. I was stuck to the mixer forever. My family worked hard to get me separated from the device. The beaters were all bent to hell and I had a bald spot on the side of my head the size of a grapefruit.

All I have to say is, “Thank God it was the 80’s because I forever wore my hair in a side ponytail!!

P.S. I have been terrified of Kitchen Aid Mixers ever since!

Who You'd Be Today

Since the accident occurred, I can't help but know that I will always relate to this song. I am so grateful that Aviana is here today, but the fact remains, I have lost a child.

Aviana, I love you so much and while my mind will often dip back into the past, I promise you, I will NEVER live....stuck in that moment!

Frozen in Time

Two years.

Ten months.

Sixteen days.

Twelve hours.

Seventeen minutes.

That moment is forever frozen in time.

Purple hair tie.

White tank top.

Purple checkerboard shorts.

White sandals.

That outfit is forever frozen in time.

Every mannerism.

Everything you were interested in.

Every favorite food.

Every favorite toy.

Every favorite item of clothing.

Your sweet little two year old voice.

All of these memories will remain forever frozen in time.

Heaven

I honestly tried to narrow these pictures down as much as possible!

Hurt

I love music.

Lately, this lyric has been speaking to me:

“I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

The girl I used to be would have thought, “No way.”

The person I am today says, “Absolutely!”

Before the accident, there were many times that I felt nothing while caring for Aviana. As painful as it is to admit, there were also many times that I felt less than nothing.

I now ache for Aviana. My heart sinks to the bottom of my being and actually breaks for her on a daily basis.

I have walked on both sides of this predicament and can say, without a doubt, “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

The incessant pain can feel so unbelievably awful at times, but it sure has its own unique way of making me feel alive.

Hurting means I love her so deeply. Hurting is what drives me to do anything and everything for her.

Dirty Little Secrets

Over the years I have come to realize just how terrible I am at handling any sort of tragic situation. Each time, an insane amount of nervous energy washes over me.

I can speak in public until I am blue in the face, but something about tragic events completely stops me in my tracks.

I can tell you of a few instances which I have handled poorly:

When I lived in Lake Tahoe I used to babysit our neighbor's children. I loved those two little boys so much. Over the years, I watched them grow up.

A few years ago, I found out the younger of the two died in a tragic car accident. I was devastated. I did not know what to do. I had no idea how to handle the situation. Should I call? Should I go over and visit? I did not know what to do. I was wracked with nervousness. I had no idea what I would say to his parents....his brother.

What did I end up doing? I sent a card and tried to express my deepest, sincere sympathy. Not good enough. As I said, this was a few years ago. Have I been over since? Have I showed my face. No. The answer is no!

I feel terrible about the way I handled the situation.

Another example of how poorly I handle traumatic occurrences:

My neighbor's husband had cancer and there was a time when he was doing much better. The two of them were walking by my house one day and I asked how they were doing. He said something like, "well other than the cancer being back, great." I froze, I did not know what to say...I said nothing. No worse than that, I acted like I did not hear exactly what he said because we were many, many feet apart from each other. I shut the door and was so disappointed in myself. I was so upset about the news. I was so incredibly upset by the way I handled myself!

Once he passed, I walked over and basically shoved a card and flowers into my neighbor's hands. I hugged her and had no words.

I have another neighbor whose wife has cancer. I found it so hard to inquire about her. Not because I don't care, it's honestly quite the opposite. I always wanted to, but could not as much as I desired.

I have now been forced to “kind of” know how to handle future experiences of the people around me. There is nothing like going through something yourself, and experiencing how you best want to be treated.

I have learned so much. I constantly sit in amazement as so many step up and help us in countless ways. I picture myself in your shoes and know that in the past I could never have handled "us" in the way you have. Not because I did not want to, but because I always had a way of standing right smack in my very own way.

I know that everyone handles things differently and people have different levels of getting offended. Overall, I honestly think people mean well in whatever way they express their condolences. I think if someone says the wrong thing, it is more out of nervousness and unease rather than anything else.

I have truly appreciated everyone who has come to us, in whatever form, and expressed their sympathy for our situation. I also completely understand how some keep their distance or say very little.

I am so full of regret for the way I have handled myself in past situations, but have grown up and learned (the hard way) the way I hope to help people in the future.

I want to express my heartfelt apology to Jill, Rick, Brandon, Eugene, Kamilah, Ruth and Nita.

What a Little Pro...

Aviana was so sleepy while waiting.

Lambie has been with her through 5 out of 7 surgeries.

What a doll!

This sight felt all too familiar!

She fell asleep while waiting. Sadly, I think she feels comfortable in the hospital!

I gave them Aviana, and they gave me back Giovanna!!

We thought her hair was just wet, but no....that "do" was hard as a rock!!

Superstar

After a very long day at the hospital, we are finally home. Aviana did great! She is all cozy and is doing really well right now. With each passing day, this little girl never ceases to amaze me. I must have taken one hundred pictures and will post some when I have time.

It was so strange to be spending hours at the hospital again. The only difference was, that at the end of the day, she leaves with us!!!!!