Praying for Aviana

Shhhhh....

2012-02-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

I can't help it, she looks like a doll.

Guilty as Charged!

2012-02-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

I have a guilty pleasure. No, not the fact that I watch Jersey Shore, and have a huge crush on Pauly D. Well, yeah that's definitely one of them too, but it's another. I'm, often times, embarrassed of it. I love mindless magazines like People or Us Weekly. Actually, People is only 3/4 mindless, but anyway, I hide them like an addict hides their stash!

I stroll past the shelves and tell myself, "Keep strolling chick! Don't. Don't do it. It's garbage. Do you really care who wore it better?" Apparently, I do. Gravity, or energy, ~~or crack,~~ or whatever ~ pulls me in (I swear!) and I buy them from time to time. I wish you could see the way I throw it in my cart and look away as it's making its trashy way through checkout. But then, Groupon offered a 6 month subscription for cheap. How dare they?!? You mean, secretly delivered straight to my house and for hardly anything?!? I'll take it! I didn't even hesitate. I was all over it!

Guilty.

Guilty.

Since the mood has been on the heavier side these past few posts, I figured I would lighten it up. I'm hoping you will play, "What's in My Bag" with me! Come on, it's much easier than acting out, Stars - They're Just Like Us...which I've been dying to one day post my very own version. That's just plain silly!

Come on peeps! Grab your purse, wallet, whatever and tell me what's in it ;o)

Enquiring minds want to know : )

Spill.

Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

I mean...tell me if you'd like.

When it Rains...

2012-02-01T18:41:00.000-08:00

Every six months since the accident, we have an extensive blood work up done on Aviana. At that time, we also have a heavy metals test done on her hair, meaning I cut about seven chunks of it out and send it to a lab.

With each return of the results, there are things we work on. For instance ~ if her tin levels come in high, we realize we were accidentally using tin foil in some of the food preparation, and instead use parchment paper from then on out. Another example is when her mercury levels were high, we stopped feeding her fish, and they went down.

Funny story ~ her titanium levels were really high, and as we were reviewing everything, our advocate at The Institute momentarily forgot Aviana had all those lovely plates and screws looming above. We had a good laugh..."Sorry Leia, we won't be able to work on that one!" Anyways, as a result of her tests, there's always something we can do to help Aviana's levels get back in order.

There's one thing though that has given us the most problems, her ALT, or her liver number. The normal range is 36 and below. She is usually around 72, and has been as high as 78. We have tried for over two years to get that number down through modified activity, lots of supplements, and diet. We always include liver supporting foods within her meals, which are things like dandelion greens, beets, daikon radish, etc.

About 8 months ago, one of her doctors said if we couldn't get it down far enough, we would need to biopsy her liver...yuck :o( We tried like hell to get the number down. Six months ago when we tested, she was as low as she has been, which is still high, but her number was 63.

A few weeks ago, and on the same day as neurology, and MRI...(Kaiser marathon), I had the whole slew of blood work done as well. Can you believe they take about 11-12 vials of blood each time!?! My girl...she endures more than anyone I know ;o(

I just got the results the other day...

Biopsy it is. Her number came in at 72. The process grosses me out. Can't our little one be left alone? She's been through too much, and too many surgeries.

Hopefully they can do it at the same time as her head...they probably can, and if not, my innermost tiger is going to show its man eating, jugular gnariling fangs : )

Cone Heads Aren't Always Funny

2012-01-29T17:12:00.000-08:00

Some things take me a while to process before I can write about them. Recently, there was one of these types of things going on.

A number of months ago, I started to notice Aviana's head was looking more cone like :o( At first, I just tilted my head in wonder, and carried on with the day. A few months later though, there was no denying, it was definitely getting worse.

As I've mentioned before, the physical manifestations hurt me the most. As her head was changing, I was already making my way through a sea of challenging days. Because she has an existing ten titanium plates, thirty-nine screws and tons of lumps, bumps and massive scars, we are very careful in styling her hair for the day. We drag the comb across her hair, rather than her head.

In doing and washing her hair, I could tell something terrible was happening. I asked Dave if he had noticed. He had, yet neither of us really wanted to truly investigate.

My uncle comes to visit and pattern every Thursday. A number of weeks ago, Roger was about to arrive. I could no longer ignore the truth that lie beneath Aviana's beautiful head of hair. The strength in examining came from knowing my uncle would soon be there to catch my fall, as he so often does.

I felt the area of concern, and honestly ~ there wasn't a bucket big enough to catch the amount of tears which followed. The area was much worse than what I had prepared myself for. She has a deep dent in her head. You guys...a portion of her head has caved in on us : ( As if that weren't bad enough, it was obvious by some super sharp edges, that one of her many plates is about to come through.

I immediately e-mailed her neurologist. He responded, and wanted me to bring her in. The day of the appointment, I repeated to myself - whatever happened, has happened, and at this point there's nothing I can do about it. What's done is done. I stayed calm throughout the appointment, even though, once again, the words falling from his mouth were unintentionally shredding my heart. At times like this, I wish I were deaf, but because I'm not, I have to endure words like these: brain dying, her pressure's not good due to the previous surgeries on her head, her shunt is contributing to her pressure problems, her bone is rescinding, one of her plates is about to come through, this only happens to a very small percentage of children like Aviana, and so on.

At first, he didn't seem to have an urgency about her situation, but after he further felt around, and discovered her head was giving way, he ordered a CT Scan. His final thoughts were - we might very well be in need of surgery within a month's time. The surgery would involve going back into our baby's head. He will either remove her existing bone and put a larger titanium plate over the questionable area, or (depending on the quality of the bone) may have to remove it altogether, and place the plate over. He also needs to remove the plate that is about to come through. Yuck! Sucks!

In order to care for Aviana, we are all forced to be robotic in nature, to a certain degree. We must simply go through the motions, emotionless. For this is one of the only ways to best survive a life like this. If it weren't for this particular defense mechanism, we would all remain a soaking wet, puddle of tears. At these appointments, I listen intently, ask my questions, and keep my emotions switched in the off position. I process exactly what he is saying, and move along as quickly as possible. It is a harsh reality to have to go through life wearing a veil of numbness. This protective covering is the only way for us to keep wading through though. While begrudging this piece of armor, I am at the same time, so thankful for it.

Anyways, I took Aviana down for her CT Scan right away. I handle all of Aviana's appointments, as Dave is at work and I can get through. As the night before the results arrived, I realized I just wasn't up for listening to more of her neurologist's painful words. Another discussion about her sinking head, in under a week, was just too much! This time, that's where I had to draw the line. I asked Dave if he could take the scheduled phone call, and he agreed.

The end results were ~ he wants to see her in a month to compare her CT Scan with her actual head again. We will be taking her in for surgery, but he wants to do everything at once. At this point, he is unsure of exactly when the procedure will take place.

The thought of her being wheeled back, and again going under the knife makes me sick. I am thankful though, that the bridge to be crossed is off in the slight distance, rather than just steps away. We welcome not thinking about it until then : )

I Love You - I Miss You

2012-01-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

I remember I was busy cleaning my dad's house,

and I rounded the corner to this.

My gosh. Words can't even describe...

Do it to it

2012-01-27T21:50:00.000-08:00

The official list has been renamed. It is no longer The Bucket List and is now called the Do It to It list. My dad and I were talking one day recently, and this is the turn the conversation took....

Dad: I want to go to Nashville.

Me: Oh my gosh Dad!! I want to go to Nashville too!

Dad: We should do it.

Me: Are you being serious?

Dad: Yeah, let's go.

Me: Alright, let's book it!

One of my dreams has been to go to the Gary Allan Fan Club Party in Nashville. Since my dad likes him too, and went to the show in September with us, I didn't think he would mind going at that particular time.

He was all for going at that time, just as long as there were sure to be fireflies. My dad is absolutely fascinated with them and he is so excited to have me see them, as I have never in my life : )

So...on January 11th at 11am CST I was on and buying a ticket for each of us ; ) I am so excited! Gary Allan also opened a clothing store in Nashville called The Label. We'll have to check it out as well. My dad is a fan of Elvis, so we also decided to take a drive over to Graceland.

I can't wait for this trip! It will be so nice to spend time with my dad, see Gary Allan, meet him again (two times in one year!), cruise around Tennessee and also go to Graceland.

WOOO HOOOO!

Oh chinese food restaurant on the corner, how on earth did you know??

Gary ~

This soul needs some soothing.

I'm on my way.

See you soon.

Love,

Thank you to my awesome husband for knowing how much this is to me, and not even batting an eye!

Thank you for hanging back and taking care of our girls ; )

❤

Better Not Bitter

2012-01-26T18:46:00.000-08:00

My nephew Ashton was born when I was 18. I have loved this kid for all of my life. He unfortunately has had a very trying life. Not just one, but both of his parents are addicted and have been for the majority of his life. He lived with his grandmother for most of his life, whom I must say, is one of the best human beings to ever walk the face of this earth.

When he was 12, Dave and I made the decision to take him in. It was great for the first year and a half and then things became fairly difficult. After 2.5 years, we collectively decided to graciously part ways and he moved back to Tahoe.

I have always respected Ashton, but it wasn't until I suffered my very own tragedy that my admiration was pushed into another realm.

I am his aunt. I have taught him numerous things about life, living, manners, everything, but by example, he has shown me the world. Although he has struggled much of his life, living on very little, and in small spaces, and most importantly without either parent present in his life ~ he is the definition of better not bitter.

Ashton never looks at what he didn't have, or what his parents didn't do for him. He looks at the positive and all the blessings in his life. He doesn't dwell or use excuses. One thing I really need to learn from him is how not to re-visit the past so much. For me it is a fine line of missing and honoring Aviana as she was, while still staying in the present moment.

His heart is big. He radiates goodness. He is warm, loving, polite, positive and just plain good. I watch as he avoids the wrong, and carefully chooses the right path.

Ashton made it on the Santa Barbara City College team last year, but has decided to instead fly to Portugal to pursue his dreams of professional soccer. He has been staying with us and will be until he leaves the country. He is an inspiration to me in so many ways, and I am forever grateful for all he continues to show me ~ to teach me.

This is a kid who has never been out of the country, and has also never lived on his own. He is so courageous to soon to be landing in a foreign country to follow his passion. Wow! I'm so impressed! Whether he makes it onto the team, or not, I have the highest admiration for him for trying. I am confident in the fact that he will succeed greatly in life.

Attitude is everything and he's got a great one, so I know he will go far.

I am going to miss him when he leaves, but will be cheering him on as he embarks on his journey.

He's going to kill me for putting these pictures up, but this was him right when he moved in with us.

Oh my...he's going to give me the business on this one : )

This is where his love of soccer began.

This picture makes me laugh.

These make me cry.

I love him.

Here's the story. He was holding Aviana and I wanted to get a picture of them. I ran and grabbed my camera, got into position and told him to smile. He said, "Uhhh Jen...I feel something way warm, I think Avi just peed." I picked her up and his jeans and the couch were soaking wet. I had to get the picture so I asked him to sit still and put her back on his lap as I snapped a few.

His face says it all : )

Wind of Change

2012-01-23T16:24:00.000-08:00

I suppose I had to walk through the dark, to get to the light. Being enclosed in the pitch black, even if only for small bits of time, caused me to completely lose my way. Even in happy times with Aviana, there were always clouds looming overhead. I think there will always be some above, even on the sunniest of days, but hopefully nothing even close to the storm of this past year.

It took endless tears and never ending heartache, but I can safely say ~ you can now find me on the other side again. This isn't to say a slight crumble won't occur at the speak of a birthday party, or that I won't be brought down to my knees here and there, and over this or that. I will hurt for the rest of my days, no doubt about it. There will never be a time where I don't feel the sting of losing a child. But not only just losing a child, but also living the rest of my life with what happened staring right back at me. There is however a big difference now though. The valleys don't feel quite so low. Through them, I feel more level, more even. I now have the ability to pick myself up rather quickly.

I've been waiting quite some time to write about this. I suppose there's a part of me that believes in jinxing, and I sure didn't want this very important aspect to fall victim to that sort of trickery ; )

As I'm sure you could tell, I was falling all over myself last year. Slipping here, sliding there. Tripping on this, stumbling on that. Why? Well, the time I most feared ~ arrived. Not only did it appear, but it materialized with what felt like a vengeance.

If my mixology skills are up to par, I will attempt to explain the drink I drank.

Built in a once large, warm hearted, glass. Fill partially, with the trauma of a major accident. Then, add large amounts of grieving the child we worked so hard to have, and then lost that day. Ferociously muddle in working your fingers to the bone. Next, forcibly infuse the drink with having to accept what is. While mixing all of the above, you may as well add a ~~whole lot~~ few squeezes of dealing with the wide range of others' guilt ridden emotions. Once the main ingredients are added, cover and shake vigorously. You want all the elements to be swirling in and around each other. Your goal is simple ~ to have not a clue as to where one begins or the other ends. A perfect miss mash of everything. Whatever you do, don’t forget to float the top with losing your best friend in the whole wide world. Now, here’s where the fun begins, light that baby up, watch it burn, and drink it down!

That my friends, was my signature "cocktail of death," with the added bonus of it not killing you! Sound like a great Friday night? Yeah...no!

Truth is, we were flying high on hope the first two years. Once we came to the point of having to accept what will be, I hit a wall. But, I not only hit it, I smashed into it with everything I've got! It's no secret that I carry with me a heavy load of grief. It truly has taken me some time to let much of it go. For whatever reason, I guess I wasn't opened to putting it down, that is until recently.

I can actually pinpoint the exact beginnings of change. It all started with Aviana's Elves. With your help, I slowly began to transform. As your momentum gained, mine did too. While helping others, you may, or may not have known you were throwing me the lifeline I so desperately needed. I grabbed on, and it was you who pulled me up and out of the depths I had become all too comfortable in. I thank you.

I feel a whole new energy field. A calm like I haven't experienced since the accident. A peace I never thought possible. Since the beginning of December, I have felt like a completely different person. With the help of some of my old roots (which I will talk about in the another post), I'm back. Most importantly, I am enjoying Aviana for who she is, and not for what she may, or may not ever be or do. That's what it's all about, and that is exactly what I couldn't peacefully come to terms with last year.

I know there will be difficult times ahead, and of course more tears shed, my gosh ~ how could there not be, but I am hoping and praying to stay clear and on this great course.

Everywhere We Looked

2012-01-20T21:13:00.000-08:00

I have to say, the biggest downfall to the process of getting new carpet were all of the unexpected landmines. They were igniting everywhere. Just to name a few...

* Kama's fur all between our bed boards.

* Aviana's secret stash of toys.

* Kama's ashes.

* Zoe's fur on the top of our mattress.

* The tiny, little dress and shoes Aviana was wearing when we picked her up in Guatemala.

* Old pictures of her. Ones I hadn't seen in a lifetime.

* The pictures her foster family sent from Guatemala before we had ever met her.

* Aviana's old clothes from before the accident. As I folded them to pass along, I could actually see her smiling face in every outfit.

* The stacks upon stacks of well wishing cards, that I placed in one particular bag to read at a later date.

* Stacks of medical paperwork, all containing terrible words, descriptions and prognosis.

* Well wishes for us in regard to Kama, that I have yet to read as well.

* All my old scrapbooks of Aviana.

* All the shoes that she last wore, and never wore again.

* The Valentines her and I scrapbooked together for her pre-school classmates.

* Her referral pictures. The ones we would receive every month until we could bring her home.

* Her little arm floats she used to wear when my mom and Gary would take "our little fish" swimming.

* And so many more.

It was a trip down memory lane, to a life that seems so far in the distance.

We have a new life now, with new memories.

Words Can Never Say

2012-01-20T17:23:00.000-08:00

So Fresh and So Clean Clean

2012-01-20T17:04:00.000-08:00

We got new carpet the other day, and while it was a ton of work, it was so much fun!! If ever you want to know where I am, you can find me rolling around on the ground, talking about how clean everything is, and how happy I am ; )

The crazy process!

We have finally decided to give the, "Every Avi Body Fluid Over and Over Again" couches away. Someone was not too keen on our idea and was standing her ground. I speak dog, at least I think I do, so if you are unsure of what she is saying, here it is ~ "these are perfectly good couches and all 49 pounds of me sure isn't going to let them go without a fight." I further explained to her that they are perfectly good couches, but not for us anymore. She knows they are going to a good family and found comfort in knowing maybe their dog can further love on them : )

Dave and I spent an hour and a half Sunday.

An hour and a half Monday.

And about three hours on Tuesday.

We finally got every carpeted surface free for them to install on Wednesday.

Rainey and Avi did help, but they also spent a good amount of time relaxing together.

We had a slumber party on Tuesday night. I don't have a picture of Avi, because I didn't want to bother her with my flash again, but she looked adorable. Rainey was unsure she was allowed on this lower bed.

My friend Amy came over on Wednesday night to help us move the whole house back in place. It took the three of us about 5 hours to get it done. We were tired and slightly delirious once we finished.

That didn't stop us from making fools of ourselves by rolling all over the fresh, new carpet.

Ahhhhhhhh....

Yep. We were making new carpet snow angels, and such.

Delirious I tell you. We were creating a two person pyramid. It was a dud because Aviana was asleep, Rainey was not into playing pyramid and Dave was documenting the craziness.

I think we passed out soon after this picture!

Amy Girl ~ Thank you so much for your help. You are the girl who actually volunteers to re-load and clean a friend's whole house because you want to help and think it will be fun.

It was so fun!

Much love.

(cuz I'm part Rasta)

A Whole New Level

2012-01-20T15:56:00.000-08:00

After the accident happened, we basically lived at the hospital. We were there constantly. One day though, we came in and this was what we found waiting for us....

I love it for so many reasons ~ because our friend Josie took the time, love and energy to create it, because every single word was spot on for our family, because I have a great love of Scrabble, the list goes on.

At the time of the accident, and for many months, years, after ~ everything was a blur. I was not sure if ever I shared this with you.

Thank you Josie.

Thank you for taking a classic games to a whole new level!

That's What Friends Are For

2012-01-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

In good times...

In bad times...

I'l be on your side forever more

That's what friends are for

Love One Another

2012-01-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Forever in My Heart

2012-01-15T13:27:00.000-08:00

You are, was and always will be one of the most beautiful souls to ever have graced this earth.

~ Rest in Peace Sweet Boy ~

❤

Tripp

2012-01-12T21:32:00.000-08:00

My heart has never been so captivated, not only by a blog, but by a little boy. His name is Tripp and after reading his entire story, I am completely enamored by he, his grandmother and especially his mother, Courtney. Courtney's love, care and compassion are indescribable.

Tripp is in his last days. I was hoping we could all rally around their beautiful family. I am hoping to cover them with love, and prayers of peace.

Tripp ~

You are the most amazing little man and you have made such an imprint on me.

Go in peace sweet boy.

❤

It's Not Just a Chair

2012-01-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

There are times when, for cuteness, I can't help but include 24 pictures of Aviana when just a few would have done, and then, there are times when I include a tremendous amount for the sake of showing a progression/regression of what she's really like. This post is the latter, with some of the other sprinkled in, too :o)

It's not really reflected above (and please don't tell Aviana I post these types of pictures on here), but this is where it all started. Aviana has been doing an amazing job with potty training. She sits, unassisted now, and we just wait. And sometimes...wait, and wait, and wait, and wait some more, but what we've noticed in all that waiting is she really does an amazing job while sitting there. She will sit up straight, and hold her head up. In those moments, she sometimes wobbles and we have to brace her just in case she falls over.

She does so well though, that Dave thought we should get her some sort of chair where she can do the same thing. He suggested a chair we were going to get her a while ago, but instead ended up getting her a bean bag. At that time, we didn't think she had enough muscle strength to do well in the chair. I was still a little skeptical of that particular chair, as I thought it might be too squishy. We decided to go try it out.

This is her bean bag. She had just rolled down it. This picture always makes me laugh. "Uhh Mom? I think I've fallen, and I can't get up. Can you help a Beezee out?"

Here's a better picture. As you can see, she just lays there and doesn't have to do much in the way of work.

You might be wondering why it is that we don't keep her in full positioning type apparatuses. If so, the reason is, if we are constantly supporting her, then she is not learning to do anything on her own and with her own body weight, muscles and balance.

I do however believe there is a much needed balance with this line of thinking. We, of course, don't want to always promote poor positioning. I have to say, it is so difficult to know what is best for this type of kiddo. For me, it is especially hard to see the physical ramifications of this kind of injury. We learn and implement as much as we can, and do the best we can. That's all we can do, right? Sadly though, and at least for me, because of the uphill nature of this injury, our best sometimes doesn't always feel good enough.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent. Sorry.

About the chair ~

We went into the store and first tried her in the larger of the two sizes.

Her head was down at first.

But, she quickly began to lift it up. It was very exciting!

She pulled it all the way up and started looking around the store.

She was looking at the stuff on the shelves...

And on the floor...

And then on the upper shelves.

And then way high.

Then, she shot me this look, "What are you doing? You are embarrassing me Mom. We are in public. Can you put the camera away?"

But I couldn't! She was working so hard and I was one proud Mama.

One small move like lifting her head, truly wears her out. She began losing ground and her head was finally coming down.

Down...

She was still intrigued by all the stuff though!

It made me want to take the store home. To create a new world for our Miki, a more exciting one.

We decided to try the smaller chair to see if it would better suit our needs.

Notice her feet can touch the ground. This was the main reason we decided on this chair. if we put her feet straight and flat on the floor (like when she is on the potty) she will push through her legs to lift her upper body and head up.

Testing..

Testing...

She was exhausted from the work she did in the first chair.

I said, hey Miki ~ can you lift your head up one more time?

And she did.

Made us proud!

This is the one we bought. They were bonding over the Kings game!

All of them ;o)

Avi took a snooze.

And then woke up and was wondering what she had missed.

Fading again...

Out.

Here is another day in the chair. She was tired!

But, eventually began to pick herself up.

"Oh Mama, too many pictures!"

The end result is always so great!

One of her favorite things to look at is our hearth area. Especially at Christmas.

And another. She really wanted the camera out of her face this time.

I've always thought she looked so cute when she's mad.

These are proof. She was truly always such a happy girl, but these were the times when she was pissed! This was when we went to pick her up in Guatemala. We had just met her mere hours before this picture. Do you think she liked us?

"Who are you and what did you do with my Mommy?"

Aviana: Seriously lady, who are you and why are you dressing me up in these funny clothes and calling me Aviana?

Me: I'm your mommy!

This is one of my all time favorites.

So sad, yet so cute.

Hmmm....they're not going anywhere?

Even when we got home, I couldn't help but document these adorable little melt downs.

Okay, I inadvertently made my happy self ~ sad.

Must go now.

What The?

2012-01-08T14:58:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at my desk, talking to my dad on the phone. Rainey climbed up my chair, which is not uncommon. She wound herself around my back, and then...

Ummm, excuse me.

A balancing act on the arm. Who knew she was an acrobat?

Not me.

Okay, maybe I did.

Really? Sheesh, make yourself comfortable why don't you!

As Promised...

2012-01-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

You may not remember, but I promised you one of our many Pantene commercials. For some strange reason, this is one of our favorite things to do. Her hair was Pantene fresh this morning, so it seemed like the perfect time for a shoot!

God Gave Us Her

2012-01-06T13:04:00.000-08:00

If you guys didn't think I'm quite crazy enough about my dog, here's the post to show you just how bonkers I truly am.

Rainey stepped into our lives at one of the absolute lowest, most deflated moments.

She is the definition of love and light.

She is our everything.

Here's to you REO Speedwagon...

Ha Ha...you think I'm crazy? I know, you thought that long ago...like with my first blog post ;o)

In all seriousness though,

I have to say...

I think a dog's love is one of the greatest loves of all.

❤

Go Avi

2012-01-04T18:26:00.000-08:00

Aviana finally grew out of her old boots. We recently got her some new ones. They're cute. They have bees all over them. Perfect for our little beezy.

Doesn't she look thrilled?

Aviana really likes to try to stand, so we have been gravitating more towards that.

She gets pretty wobbly sometimes,

and then she pushes hard to stand straight up.

We use her stander, but we also do it this way too.

This way, she is having to balance herself and is having to use much more...well, everything!

She also likes to sit as well.

She has been doing pretty awesome in this area. She loves to look all around. It's nice because you can actually feel her muscles pushing.

In the next post or so, I will share some pictures of her newest chair...she loves it!

Awww, that face.

It's so nice to see her looking up. Her head is usually always down ;o(

She gets really tired after she sits or stands.

He was telling her how good she did...

And how proud of her he is.

Love them ; )

Sleepy time? Who said it's sleepy time?

Let's play!

Say Hello To Her Little Friend

2012-01-03T00:31:00.000-08:00

Aviana got a little puppy for Christmas. She loves him because he barks, and walks forward and backward. He really gets her attention, and I think she likes his fluff too.

I love how she looks like she is kissing him in this picture.

His name is Fluff Puff.

"Hmmm. I wonder if Rainey is feeling jealous of Fluff?"

"Is that you Rainey? Yeah, I'm over here playing with my other little doggie. I still love you!"

I love her expression in this picture.

Thank you for the pup, Ponds!

This was the best I could do, I narrowed these way down. I even brought Dave in to help me with further picture elimination. Her little face gets me every time!

Ironic

2012-01-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

I have become pretty close friends with a few people who follow along with our story. I am so grateful for these friends. Recently, I became close with one reader in particular. Her name is Dixie. She is such a neat person for many reasons, but to name just a few ~ she has fostered many, many children and was also a special education teacher. I think she is a wealth of knowledge and an all around awesome person.

Over the holidays, she was kind enough to send us all some gifts (including Rainey ~ melted my heart). Amongst a bunch of really great stuff, she included one of the cutest dolls I've ever seen for Aviana. Her name is Lalaloopsy. I am sure many of you have heard of her. As you can tell, I have pretty much been out of the kid loop since the accident.

I wanted to share some things about this great little doll...

Their first meeting ;o)

Aviana was a little skeptical at first,

But she warmed up nicely ; )

You can style Lala's hair in many different ways.

She arrived with her hair in curls.

She also likes to go straight and crazy!

Sometimes, she's feeling straight and not so crazy.

Who knew? Antennae!

Whoa....Lala-usa!

After playing with her for a while, we found something very interesting ~ Lalaloopsy is brain injured!

She is very much like Aviana.

This may sound harsh, but I am not intending it to be...it's just our reality.

Her head is heavy, and she does not have the muscle strength to hold it up.

Her feet go straight and her toes point inward.

She cannot sit on her own and falls over when you try.

But she's cute as can be, and we are so in love with her!

Her little friend is a ~~dog~~ (ha ha Dixie) cat, which I can wrap around Aviana's wrist.

They are two peas in a pod.

Thank you Dixie!

Lalaloopsy has provided us so much entertainment. We all love her, and you too!

❤

So Small, Yet So Big

2011-12-30T11:47:00.000-08:00

You're pint sized,

But the lessons you teach are big.

I thank you Aviana.

I thank you for inspiring us all.

I thank you my dear little one.

I thank you for showing us how to visualize.

How to come together for a common goal,

Of good.

I thank you for showing me how,

For teaching me,

For driving me,

For guiding me.

For you are the heart,

That kept everything working.

When the lines sometimes blurred,

You were the focus.

You, my itty bitty,

Are the driving force.

Without a word,

You have taught us to appreciate the little,

The minuscule.

Look what you did Little Miss!

Can you see what you created?

A masterpiece.

A tapestry of everyone,

Together.

You have taught us to give greatly of ourselves.

To use our lives.

Above all,

You have taught me to use my body.

Because you can't,

I often feel like I need to.

For you,

And for me.

Because you can't,

I can.

And always will.

For you,

And for me.

For that is one of many reasons,

We make a good pair.

Before you,

I wanted to give physically,

But never found the time.

Let's be honest,

If I really wanted to,

I would have made the time,

Right?

Right.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you for showing us what's most important.

Thank you for giving me one of life's greatest gifts.

And that is,

The gift of truly giving.

Thank you!

2011-12-27T10:26:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take the time to thank all of the businesses who helped us out as well. You all made it that much sweeter ; )

The families and hospital staff really appreciated all of your good will!

Thank you to William, Cari and Katy!

They provided cups, lids, straws, via packets, etc.

Thank you all so much! And thank you to the downtown location for helping, too!

Four Starbucks locations helped us out.

Awesome!

Thank you to Adrienne.

She provided coupons for 20 cupcakes!

Thank you to Jake ~ you are truly amazing!

He provided two beautiful platters of 50 cookies each.

They were given to UCD and Kaiser.

Thank you to Stephanie! You are an absolute sweetheart.

She provided a $100 Gift Card for supplies!

Thank you to all at Noah's Bagel!

They provided 70 bagels and boxes. These bagels were given to UCD and Kaiser.

Thank you Taco Bell.

They provided certificates for meals.

I {heart} you!

Thank you to Bed, Bath & Beyond Corporate

They provided a $20 Gift Card, which went towards supplies.

Thank you to Theresa at Panera.

They provided 50 cookies which were given to Sutter.

Thank you Krispy Kreme!

These donuts were given to Kaiser, Sutter and the Homeless of Sacramento.

And one very special charity donated to us this year. You might remember Jennifer Tran of Red Balloon. She is a beautiful soul. She had contacted us last year and wanted to dedicate her benefit concert to Aviana. We were honored. This girl is changing the world.

Thank you Jennifer!

❤

The Best for Last

2011-12-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

I only have a few more of these kinds of posts rolling around my head ;o) I just have to share this one with you though! My mom had gone into Krispy Kreme a few weeks ago and asked if they would be willing to donate to our care packages. A woman named Susan called me and said they would not be able to donate per se, but what she would be able to do is give us the leftover donuts on Christmas Eve.

We were to arrive at closing and she would give us gloves and boxes and then roll out the racks of donuts that were left. Once we boxed them up, we were welcomed to take them to the hospitals.

I had no idea what was coming our way. Dave, my Mom, Gary and I arrived and were ready to go.

As we were waiting, I had time to take a bunch of pictures.

And of course we had time to have some fun with the hats!

❤ My Mommy Pie ❤

Awww....

So cute!

Once again, it all starts with a box!

We boxed racks and racks of donuts!

The boxes ~ once they were completed.

Yep, there was a row behind, too ;o)

The staff at Krispy Kreme were some of the most outstanding people.

So kind, so helpful, so everything.

So after we had boxed all of the donuts, they offered us many more racks of what they call "cake donuts." These ones are sturdier and were able to be put into bags. We stayed and bagged every last donut, even though we wondered who on earth we would share all these donuts with.

This picture doesn't even include the bags of donuts that were in our car!

Here were the boxes.

We asked how many donuts they thought they had given us and were shocked by the answer. Are you ready for this?

In total ~ they believe they provided us with over two hundred dozen. Yep, that would be over 2,400 donuts. Amazing!

We decided to divide and conquer. My mom and Gary went to Sutter Roseville, while we went to Kaiser.

We left them for anyone they wanted to share them with, but mainly all of the staff working late on Christmas Eve.

We also gave a few bags for them to take home to their families.

This was the Supervisor and I. He was so sweet.

On the way to the hospital, Dave and I decided we wanted to take the remaining bags of donuts to a homeless shelter. While I was having fun with the Kaiser staff (hats included), Dave was busy calling around.

I just had to get in on this action!

We could not find a shelter to donate to, as they were all closed, or we had missed the donation drop off hours. We decided to just head to Downtown Sacramento in order to find homeless people. Once we found them, our plan was to give out the many remaining bags.

Do you happen to remember that I keep a bag of dog treats for homeless doggies under my drivers side seat? Well, at this stop light, they came in more than handy. We handed this guy and his dog Bullet a bag of dog treats and a bag of donuts!

I was so in love with his dog, especially in his little Christmas sweater. I asked him if I could take a picture of him and his dog. He said yes, and asked me if it was going to end up on My Space? We all laughed when he said that. I said no, but if it's ok, it would end up on my blog. He was cool with that!

We continued on, and found a few guys on a corner, but we still had a car full of donuts. We turned down a street and it was lined with tents and homeless people. We both got out and were handing bags and bags of donuts out. It was one of the best feelings of our entire lives. We were on cloud ( all the way home.

Krispy Kreme ~ we thank you for your generosity! You have affected so many people!

❤

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

The Last One

2011-12-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

Round 3 ~ Sutter Roseville

Car 1 ~ Me

Car 2 ~ Summer and Grant

Wow, just wow!

For the last time...this year.

My mom stayed and watched Aviana while we delivered this one.

Notice the ginormous man hand in this picture. Yes, Grant has abnormally monstrous hands. And beyond that, he high fived me after all the deliveries were done and not only just about knocked me completely over, but hurt the hell out of my poor little hand.

Watch out for the dangerous man hand!

Summer, Grant, Me

He looks innocent...he's not!

The ending of the care package delivery was bitter sweet. I was so happy to free them into the world, but so sad it was ending.

Bye, bye boxes.

I'll miss you,

but will be seeing you again next year.

I promise.

The Last Night

2011-12-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

After we delivered to Kaiser and UCD ~ we had only twenty boxes left to make that night.

Aviana was just going to sleep that night.

Surprisingly, Dave was still awake.

And so was Rainey.

This is how she sits and watches us in the kitchen. It is so cute.

She moved the pillows like that too. She is extremely particular about ow and where her pillows are.

And look, you can see a bed again ; )

From all of us...

2011-12-23T09:33:00.000-08:00

- With Love -

I cut all these in two and enclosed them in a card for each family.

There were a few businesses who contributed after I had printed these...

They were Krispy Kreme, Noah's Bagel, and Panera.

Thank you to all!

We made this beautiful thing happen

❤

Winner Winner Chicky Dinner

2011-12-23T00:27:00.000-08:00

There are all these random name generator type things for blogs. We chose to go even more high tech than them. It's pretty scientific, so if you are not savvy, please feel free to ask any questions you may have.

So this is how we chose to generate the winner...

First, I secretly counted up the people who guessed the right answer.

Then, I haphazardly ripped up five pieces of blank paper.

While hiding, I then scribbled the name of each of the five people.

I folded each of them into tiny little squares.

I shook them vigorously and walked into the family room to Dave.

I shook them one more time for good measure.

I held my hand out and...are you ready for this, I asked Dave to pick one.

Here is where one might get lost, I then unveiled the winner to both he, I and R dog.

Drum Roll please.

And the winner is....

Judianne

(confetti release here)

I must say, I was pretty happy because she was the first to say Prius and had this to say in her comment,

"Ok. call me silly but i'll say the prius....you CAN cram a lot into those little cars!"

Judianne ~ you da bomb!!

Your undisclosed gift will be arriving shortly after we recuperate from, Mission Elfkins and Christmas ;o)

So many of you knew the right answer, even after me trying to deceive you by putting the Prius in the (A) spot of the multiple choice ; )

I was in complete and total shock to discover the Prius fit the most. It sure is the little car that can! Everyone who has a Prius, answered it almost before we could finish the question. What a neat little car it is.

I chalk its discreet, wonder space up to small tires, which means less wheel well room. What'da ya think? I need some sleep? Yes, I agree. I feel extra punchy tonight. More than the normal amount of punch. Uh huh.

There were also boxes all over the floor and front seat.

On our last delivery today, my friend Summer's car did end up holding the world record of care packages.

Amazing! I can't tell you what kind of car it is, because I don't know. If you know me, this is strange, because I seem to know every single make of car on the road? That, my dear, is called a stupid human trick if I do say so myself!

You might notice the People magazines in place of the O mags. I went back to Costco 3 full days after I bought them out of stock and sadly, they still didn't have any :o(

Today was our very last delivery...more to come on that.

Over and out.

Enquiring Minds Want To Know

2011-12-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

Everywhere I went this past month, I encountered the same line of questioning...

Are you a teacher?

Why are you buying all these composition books?

What are you going to do with all these DVDs?

Where are you going with all those Sudoku books?

Why so much anti-bacterial soap?

That's a lot of compositions.

Wow! You really like ChapStick.

Why so many composition books?

(as you can tell people were most fascinated by these)

***

Back story ~

It was my first trip, and when I thought we would be making a max of 30 care packages. I purchased 30 Oprah magazines, amongst a ton of other stuff, and had not separated our own personal stuff out on this one (rookie move).

***

And the best line of questioning was...

Costco Dude: You must really like Oprah.

Me: Yeah, I really do :o)

Costco Dude: What are you buying all these for?

Me: I am planning on reading one a day - for a month.

Costco Dude (looking stumped): You know they're all the same, right?

Me: Yep.

Costco Dude: Are you serious?

Me: Yes.

(I have a fairly good poker face, at least in the beginning)

Costco Dude: No seriously, what are you doing with them?

Me: We are making care packages for the Kaiser Pediatrics ICU.

Costco Dude: That's pretty cool.

* He keeps ringing up all of the items and finally gets to our own personal stuff *

Costco Dude (scanning the life sized bottle of Johnnie Walker): Well then, what's this for?

Me: That is for the family with the most hurt kid.

We laughed, but I was actually crying on the inside, as I have one of the most hurt kids!

Laugh or you'll cry...

always.

Christmas Trivia

2011-12-21T17:19:00.000-08:00

You know I love trivia and I haven't done a game in a while, so here you go...

Which car carried the most presents at one time?

Was it ~

A. The Toyota Prius

B. The Chevy Tahoe

C. The Ford Escape

D. The Range Rover

The prize is a little Christmas gift from us :o)

We are going to just open it up for answers now and then at 5:18 tomorrow night we will randomly choose the winner out of the people who guessed the right answer.

Outtakes

2011-12-21T17:10:00.000-08:00

It takes a lot of pictures to get a few good ones! I am going to share a little secret with you...

It can be extremely challenging at times to have a child with a floppy head. We couldn't get her to look up for this picture.

As you can tell by my expression, I was starting to get a little frustrated because I was roasting to death and we really needed to get going. My mom said, "Just grab her ponytail." Dave and I have done it many times before and sadly, will have to do it many more times to come.

Can you see my left arm behind her head? I am firmly gripping her ponytail and trying to find just the right position for the picture.

I was not doing too well with my left hand, so I tried my right.

She looks so annoyed with me in this picture...and rightfully so!

I lost it again. I had no choice but to hold it tighter.

Poor Miki.

Finally, I decided another position might be better.

She seemed happier to not have me yanking on her hair. She said she wished she was bald again at the beginning of the photo shoot.

I love her sweet little face in this one.

Finally, this seemed to result in the best positioning for both of us. She was comfortable and starting looking around at all of the presents.

Sometimes it's all smoke and mirrors.

* Please note - no small children were actually hurt in the taking of this photo *

Yesterday...

2011-12-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

All my troubles were so far away.

Elf Power

"We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup."

~ Buddy the Elf

Round One:

Kaiser

33 Care Packages

Car 1 - My Mom

Car 2 - Our awesome neighbors ~ Warren and Anna

Car 3 - Us

There we are :o)

Oops...just found out that I forgot to tell the Child Life person Tracy that each of our 33 boxes were 12X 12. Do you see the wagon she has? That was the one we used to wheel Avi around the hospital in. We had to quickly go to plan B for transit ; )

Aviana ~ still guiding us through our day!

Our very favorite nurse ~ Johnna. She was on the phone when I saw her and I was SO excited. I did not think she would remember us, but surprisingly ~ when she hung up, she turned around and said, "Aviana's mom!!" I was so happy to see her. She is so sweet and was absolutely wonderful to Aviana and all of us!

Someone was pissed that she didn't get to go! She said, "how dare all six of you walk out the door and leave me lonely. Especially after all of the hard work I put in."

Yep. That is a piece of our new patterning table. Yes, the one we just replaced because she annihilated the other one.

She truly is a really good dog. She has only chewed up a handful of things and they have all been broadcast, for all to see, on my blog. I don't want you to think she is a terror. She is our sweetheart ;o)

Amy and me.

Thank you so much for the late, late nights Amy!

Warren & Anna ; )

Love them!

❤ Even more elves to help ❤

Round Two:

UC Davis

55 Care Packages

Car 1 - Us

Car 2 - My Mom

Car 3 ~ Warren and Anna

Car 4 ~ Amy, Megan and Cooper too

Almost all of us are represented here.

One cart full.

Us :o)

Avi and Rainey felt left out of the Elf Power.

Aviana was wiped out from the day.

So was I...

I was sitting at the computer trying to string words together.

Soon after this picture, I gave up!

The clincher was, I thought we had the remainder of the night off, but realized we were going to Christmas with Dave's family, so we had to get our booties up and immediately make the last 20 boxes. We went super fast though. I'll share the final pictures of the assembly process in the next post :o)

Peace & Love

2011-12-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

We delivered to Kaiser and UC Davis today!

Ninety gift boxes were given, with thirty more to go :o)

I have many more pictures to share, but am just too tired tonight...

Aviana's Elves

2011-12-19T12:57:00.000-08:00

We never planned on doing this, but there's never been a more appropriate time than now :o)

Hope you enjoy!

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/VXjgBvLZCHjVZAfa

Happy Holidays

❤

One Might Think...

2011-12-18T03:40:00.000-08:00

these pictures are duplicates from the other night, but not so :o) We have officially taken over the neighborhood! We took all of the boxes for the last post and brought them to be safely stored at our neighbor's houses. Thank you Nita, Jay and Mary!

Amy, Dave & I kicked it into high gear tonight and busted out the remainder of the 100 boxes. This is unbelievably epic! Thanks to you, one hundred boxes is so yesterday and come tomorrow, or today that is, we are moving into the one hundred plus stratosphere. The goodness keeps on coming and the joy we are about to spread is...well, I can't find the perfect word ;o)

Do you notice the odd ball in this picture? Yep. We bought Costco out of Oprah magazines...again ;o)

And just think, I forgot to take a picture of the coffee table in our room!

We will keep making boxes until every single last item is given ; ) The exciting thing is ~ the more we get and have, the more happiness we can share!

Sweet girl!

Out...again.

I get so severely amped up ~ I can't possibly go to bed. I just finished wrapping the remainder of our own personal Christmas presents, too.

I suppose I should surrender so I am not completely useless tomorrow :o)

Night All

and once again,

Thank you!

❤

Anyone want to come over right now and make Mexican Wedding cookies with me?

Because of you...

2011-12-15T18:04:00.000-08:00

It all starts with a box.

Dave and I wrap each box and so far have completed 75 out of 100. Can you believe we are up to one hundred care packages?? Thank you so much for being a part of this! This has been one of the greatest things we have done in our entire lives!!

It gets pretty messy around here...

Rainey makes her own kind of messes too ; )

The boxes had taken over Aviana's patterning table.

So we moved them to another location.

Rainey has almost knocked the whole stack over at least 4 times!

This is what it looks like when we are about to fill the boxes.

So pretty!

This is where we bring the empty boxes to be filled.

Someone thinks he is going to get into the goods!

Caught! Red handed!

Put the candy bar down Hodder!!

There are no grazers in this store!

Wow! Look what you made happen! I love looking at this room.

And more....

And more...

So beautiful!

Ahhhhh....it never gets old.

More pretty boxes.

Yep...we work where we can. We are quickly growing out of our house...in a good way!

Even when she sleeps, she keeps us working. She says it's not easy to run the elves. She says they get out of control and having to constantly keep them in line is exhausting! Her words, not mine!

The tower is getting smaller...

only to be built up again tonight!

At the end of last night, we realized we actually put a decent sized dent in it. We still have so much more, which is so exciting.

The boxes were everywhere. We couldn't find enough space to place them. We took over her patterning table once again....

And this table...

And brought in the old coffee table from the therapy room. We use this cushion lined table to lie her on in order to administer her CO2 O2.

We took over the desk in the office...

And set up her old patterning table in her room...

At 1:30 in the morning Dave and Rainey finally went to bed. I was amped, so I stayed up until 4 doing other stuff!

I wanted to thank my friend Amy for coming over late last night and helping us fill the boxes. The three of us worked like a well oiled machine. It was the most rewarding kind of work ever! Aviana put Rainey in charge of us while she snoozed.

Thank you to everyone who has graciously donated. We are overwhelmed by the goodness of your hearts. I wish you could see how excited we get with every PayPal email, gift card, big box of items, check in the mail, offers of help, and especially all of the wonderful cards and letters we have received with them.

Warms our heart like nothing else!

Thank you.

❤

The Facts of Life

2011-12-14T18:36:00.000-08:00

In all of the sadness, there are so many moments when I look at Aviana and just know I can do this for the rest of my life. While I am experiencing those times, I try to be as mindful as possible. I hold onto them for as long as I can.

When I am feeling great sadness, I try to remember those positive moments. I find I am constantly reaching out in order to get a hold of them. Often times though, my grief is all too tangible and in the pitch dark it is so very hard to see the light. The opposing force proves to be a little too far out of my reach. At times though, I have also found that I am simply not willing to stretch myself any further.

Whatever the case, I am thankful that this life is a constant revolving door. I find comfort in knowing the bad moments will pass and that it's merely a matter of time. I am eternally grateful for the cyclical nature of this life. For so long, I was hopeful and positive. This past year, I have been a little lacking in both of these areas. I do know though ~ if I've done it once, I can do it again.

I know there will always be ups and downs, but my goal is to always strive to be on solid ground and hover somewhere close to the middle.

I better get back to my girl, as we have been swinging high lately : )

New York

2011-12-12T15:34:00.000-08:00

The only item I vetoed on my list was going to Times Square to watch the ball drop on NYE. I am not a big fan of crowds or cities. I probably would have accepted it had we not went to New York during our very first trip to The Institutes in December of '09. I don't think I ever posted the pictures and wasn't going to now, until I realized we were there at this exact time 2 years ago. All of the Christmas decorations were up and it was beautiful.

We had just finished our five day course in PA and had the weekend to spend before my aunt and uncle were flying in with Aviana for her upcoming two day evaluation.

We decided to take a train from Philadelphia. It was going to be a whirlwind trip, as we only had 24 hours to spend there. We made the most of that 24 hours and went all over the place. The pictures below don't even capture all the places we went. That night we went out in the Meatpacking District (gag at the name and meaning of the name) and the next day we went to Madison Square Garden, Central Park and more.

The only thing I had to see while there was Ground Zero. It was surreal. We stayed at a hotel right there. After seeing it on TV for so many years, I could not believe we were actually standing on those grounds.

Like I said, I'm not really a city girl, but oh my gosh did I love New York. I loved the buildings, but beyond that ~ I instantly fell in love with the people! I love me a straight shooter. Every single person we ran into was so helpful, nice and proud of their city!

I loved that store!

That's my hu-band!

The biggest string of lights I had ever seen!

This picture was one of my very favorites!

When we turned this corner, it started snowing. It was truly amazing!

Warmed my music loving heart!

Who is that puppy in the window?

We almost came home with a puppy named Brooklyn.

That reflection...makes me crazy!

Sushi. I love sushi.

Said like Cyndi Lauper.

I don't remember what he was doing or saying, but remember laughing uncontrollably. Funny how I have no idea the context, but this picture makes me laugh for some unknown reason.

There he is again...in the North Face jacket. My hu-band!

Bye bye New York...I loved you, but don't believe I will ever see you again, even on New Year's Eve.

Sober/Drunk Girls and Their Ideas

2011-12-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

I have this friend. Her name is Sara. We affectionately call each other: Sober/Drunk. The reason we call each other that is because even if we're sober we have as much, if not more, fun than if we were drunk.

Anyway, Sara and I decided to each write ten items (for each other) that we have to complete before we die. We then met for dinner and shared our lists. I loved this idea because it provided items from a totally different perspective. It also carried the added benefit of things we probably wouldn't have thought up on our own. We were allowed to veto 6 of the 10 items, if we wanted. There was only one veto total, and I'll explain why in another post.

One of my favorite items was to make a Happiness Board. I asked, "like a Vision Board, but with happiness?" I have a vision board, but it has been needing a face lift since the accident. Sadly, I haven't found or made the time. My friend said the Happiness Board was to be a compilation of all things that made me happy. Her hope was that every time I looked at it it made me happy or reminded me of all the things that make me happy. I could never have thought up something so great, and especially so perfectly timed for what I need now.

I am in the process of thinking things up and have decided to post them here. If I post them here, it will keep them at the forefront of my mind and then, I will slowly migrate them to my actual board.

I thought it a great idea and wanted to share here, too in case anyone else thought it a good idea for themselves ; )

Lately

2011-12-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

Aww, that girl!

Rainey waits...

And waits...

and waits for something to drop.

I noticed a pattern.

If I went to Jamba Juice for donations, I walked out with a Jamba Juice.

If I went to Starbucks, I walked out with a coffee.

If I went to Noah's, I walked out with a bagel.

If I went to Icing on the Cupcake, I walked out with two cupcakes.

(they make the cutest, best cupcakes ever!)

I have to say ~ collecting donations is causing a big butt and I cannot lie ;o)

"Yes, Daddy...I'm ready for my Christmas presents."

"Rainey, Christmas isn't until the 25th. You are going to have to wait for your presents..."

"No, now! I see them under the tree! I can't wait!"

See, I speak for everyone...it's kind of my thing. I'm probably wrong the majority of the time though ; )

It's No Wonder...

2011-12-09T16:56:00.000-08:00

I'm so messed up!

Mom:

Don't click on these unless you are prepared to be destroyed.

I'm sorry.

I love you!

These videos are all extremely hard to watch, but at one minute and 48 seconds, what's left of my heart shatters in a million little pieces!

I accidentally stumbled upon one of these and then couldn't seem to stop myself!

Another place, another time.

Guess What?

2011-12-09T13:44:00.000-08:00

It's been a better year in the Hodder Household! I am proud to announce that we didn't ram our Christmas tree into the house again this year. Ooh, I almost forgot the added bonus of subsequently breaking out our back window!

We were laughing about our last year's Christmas debacle all the way to the tree farm last weekend. Had we captured that 15 minutes on film, we could have been thousands of dollars richer ~ courtesy of America's Funniest Home Video.

All the way home, I was repeating the very same mantra, "Don't drive the Christmas tree into the house! Don't drive the Christmas tree into the house! Don't drive the Christmas tree into the House!" I know darn well that my mind is not my own and it is undoubtably much worse than last years. I knew I needed to go beyond the mantra, so when we were leaving the tree lot, I set not just one alert on my phone, but two. You should have seen it, there was one to go off in 35 minutes and a second to go off in 30 minutes. That is how much I don't trust myself with these sorts of things!

Notice ~ the car is nicely parked in the driveway ~ patiently waiting for the tree to be removed!

Tree ~ not rammed into the house.

The top of the tree is not broken off!

The beautiful $100 dollar tree vs. the $600 one of yesteryear.

The happy child gazing lovingly up at her tree.

Who was not subjected to the whole slew of cuss words this year.

And, the happy dog modeling her "Mis Mis" collar for you!

Like I said, a better year in the Hodder Household...

Christmas Wise, that is!

❤

When I Look at You...

2011-12-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

I wonder....

I never stop wondering.

Are you bored?

Are you tired of therapy?

Do you remember your old life?

Do you think I'm crazy?

Why did you make it?

But can't do anything?

What are you thinking?

Do you think I think - too much?

Do you sometimes wish you could slap me silly?

What does a seizure feel like?

Does it hurt?

Should I revert to feeding you more of the food you refuse to open your mouth for?

I know the seizures would surely lessen.

Why does everything have to be so push/pull?

Are you happy?

Are you sad?

Or are you just fine?

Do you wish you were well?

Do you wish you could play?

Is that why you give your friends dirty looks when they ignore you?

Do you think I'm a bitch?

Sheesh, I'm sorry I get so frustrated with you when you are not eating well.

You can only have food spit in your face so many times.

I know.

It's me, not you.

Always me.

Not you sweetie.

Yes, I do remember the scene from Say Anything when I get upset with you.

But a movie is just that, a movie.

They have no idea what it's really like.

No one does, but you and me, Avi.

Just you and me.

Do you laugh on the inside when I complain about burning my head, yet again, with the flat iron?

Do you want to remind me that you survived 9 surgeries?

One of which, included the placement of 10 plates and 40 screws to assemble your skull back together.

Does this make you wish I would stop complaining about when I wracked all four of my little toes on the coffee table last week?

Are you thinking..."baby, she's such a baby."

Do you still miss Kama everyday?

I do too, honey.

I do too.

Are you happy to have so many elves working for you?

Are you happy with the work we have done thus far?

Do you wish you could help?

Can you feel the love of everyone around you?

Do you feel you got the shortest end of the stick?

Or are you just happy to be alive?

Are you happy to be alive?

Do you think we made the right decision?

or not?

Do you ever feel that I think we made the wrong decision?

If so,

Do you hate me for wishing that God would have taken you,

or left you in some sort of working order,

and able to do or show happiness,

And not leave me guessing the day away?

You understand, girl.

I know you do.

You know it's not because I don't love you,

But because I love you so much!!

Does it hurt you to watch us make pies from your polka dotted bean bag in the kitchen?

Do you wish you could help us?

Or am I projecting once again?

Do you remember Guatemala somewhere deep within your soul?

Do you wish you were never adopted,

and that maybe,

just maybe,

you would be happy, and healthy had you stayed?

Or are you happy with us?

Do you know we love you?

And Rainey does too?

I know you feel how protective she is of you.

But also that she takes advantage and tries to swipe your food.

Sibling rivalry.

Yep.

I wonder if you know how much we have tried to help you.

And always will.

Do you miss going on three day excursions with Nana and Papa?

Do you know how much we all love you?

And miss you?

I wonder if you are here for a reason.

There better be a reason for all this.

When I tell people what I think you think,

Do you think...

Boy, does she have it wrong.

All wrong.

Are you thinking anything?

Are you the eyes and ears of this institution?

Or am I just making that up?

Am I seeing it all wrong?

Tell me.

Do you wish you could talk?

Do you try?

Or is it just too hard to try?

Or are you?

I wonder.

Do you wonder who this other girl is we speak of,

Or do you know exactly who we are talking about?

Does it make you sad?

Does it amaze you that that girl is frozen in time?

Two year. Ten months.

Forever.

Am I learning all the lessons you bring forth?

Or am I missing the mark?

Help me baby.

Help me, help you.

I love you.

Are you better, not bitter?

I think you are.

I need to learn from you, my dear.

Did you like when I made you dance with me to my favorite Lady GaGa Christmas song?

Or did you think it was inappropriate when she said,

Light me up, put me on top ~ let's

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Or did you have as much fun as I did?

Did it hurt you to just watch us decorate the tree?

Did you wish you could be part of it,

Like you used to be?

Or as we were twisted in half working lights and cussing,

Did you think you had the perfect spot?

Do you get tired of me kissing you all day long?

I think your little life is so deserving.

Deserving of everything, and more than normal people.

Am I rude for saying that?

I just think after all you've been through,

which is more than anyone I know,

you deserve to be happy.

I feel it is my job to create everything for you,

And I have to wonder if I am.

Do I make you crazy?

Talking, talking, talking to you,

All day long.

You make me crazy too.

But, I know you are here for a reason.

Why were we chosen for this Avi?

Because we were.

Because we were.

Who am I to question Him anyway, right?

Take Two!

2011-12-05T15:04:00.000-08:00

I was looking for another old blog post and stumbled upon this one, "Confessions of a Brain Injured Child's Mom." I read through and many are still the same, but some have changed. I decided to do an updated one. I have evolved in some areas, have stayed spot on in others and have sadly regressed too!

Aviana's Elves is one of the best, most exciting, most rewarding, things I have ever done in my life. I now know what a quarter of Oprah's pinky fingernail must feel like.
I am inspired by your good nature and the way you always have a way of wrapping your arms around us!
My sadness over Aviana is at an all time high.
I no longer have the time or energy for family drama or people who suck my good energy away.
I gravitate toward the people in my life who are supportive and loving towards us.
The brain injury world can feel pretty isolating ~ if you let it.
I don't have the energy I wish I had to spend on other people's blogs, or to support them in the way you have supported me. It feels selfish.
I unintentionally play the "pain game" and hate myself for it. Pain is not a competition and who hurts the most, doesn't win anything, but I am at a place in the grieving process where I somehow get some sort of pay off from playing in my mind. I am hoping it ends soon. I feel awful about it.
My kid makes other kids feel strange. And while I fully understand why, it doesn't hurt any less.
Birthday parties are the worst for me. Whether it's Aviana's birthday or any of her friends. I am so sad for this fact, but it remains to be true...against my will.
I am in many ways worse, than better.
I get my hair done every 5 weeks (to cover up the gray) because I don't want my outside to match my inside.
I have developed neck problems from unintentionally clenching my jaw so much from stress.
I'm such a dork and can't bear to watch one of my very favorite shows anymore. On Mystery Diagnosis they always end up getting better and never just stay in the Land of Limbo like us.
I don't enjoy other people's pain, but from #14 you might think so. It sucks to have these weird feelings about such weighty topics. Those crazy feelings make me feel sick to my stomach. During those times, I feel like a terrible person.
If I am talking to a friend about the reality of what's going on with Aviana, I go to the entire opposite end of the house and shut myself in the closet to talk and cry my eyes out. I don't want Aviana to feel the weight of my grief or to think she always makes me sad. I cry while I am talking to her often, so I try to hide the remainder of my sadness. I then laugh at myself, because she knows exactly what is going on around here. She is the eyes and ears of this institution ; )
I am constantly seeking out things that feel good.
I love this little girl so much it hurts.
I love mindless TV, like Jersey Shore, Millionaire Matchmaker, and Tough Love. These shows allow me to escape this reality, even if only for a little while ;o)
I still wear the same outfit (usually jeans and a tank top) for two days in a row, so I can think of one less thing.
I truly have brain damage by association. I keep every single thing having to do with Aviana in perfect, proactive, working order and then the rest...well, see the video at bottom for how I feel about the rest. I think of that video a million times a day ;o)
I used to be able to put all my blessings front and center and now my grief tries hard to blind me of these very things that should be saving me.
I have an irrational fear of cancer that developed in the last year. My Maggy (counselor) says I am using it as a distraction from thinking of all things Avi. I am not afraid to die, if I got hit by a truck and died, I would be ok with that. With a disease, I don't feel I have anymore fight left in me. I fear one more battle would send me over. I can't fathom being down and unable to care for Aviana. I would also then need to rely on that many more people for help. The whole scenario makes me ~more than~ uneasy!
I have disconnected thoughts.
I feel that my various layers of grief have all rolled into one messed up ball! I think it sucks! I wish I could snap my fingers and it would all just disappear.
I hate having to rehabilitate my kid and wish we could just run errands and play, like we used to!
I often think that when we couldn't have kids, we should have listened.
I want to be better, not bitter...the opposite is having its way with me and I am fighting hard against it!
Once again, grieving sucks! It distorts reality and I don't like it.
In regard to the brain, I am learning the very hard way, try as you might...you can't fight what's not there.
I love lamp.

Yep, that's me!

See, disconnected thoughts.

★ ★ ★

What confessions do you have?

Oldie, but Goodie

2011-12-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

http://avianareese.blogspot.com/2011/04/couldnt-have-said-it-better.html

The Gifts That Keep on Giving

2011-12-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you!

In Awe

2011-11-27T13:33:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving! We did. We hosted it this year and it really was perfect :o)

❤

I have something to admit...with every single one of your donations, I have found myself in tears. I am so incredibly humbled by your good nature.

Your thoughtfulness extends way beyond that though, I am not sure I can accurately explain this, but I'll try. Your generosity affects me so deeply because it means that Aviana has affected you at such a level. She can't say a word, or show affection like the majority of us, but what you have shown me is ~ you too, feel her little spirit and her life means a great deal.

In addition to that, with the receipt of each donation, you have provided us with a much needed hug. I am sure you have noticed, I have been feeling pretty down here and there lately. I have wanted to do something like this for a long time, but at the inception of this idea, I needed to do it. I needed something to warm my damaged soul. I needed something that would push me in a forward motion for the good of others, which in turn, would also repair my heart.

As much as I love this little girl, the truth of the matter remains, this hurts! This whole life with her in this way is unequivocally the most unwavering pain we have ever experienced. The amount of progress we are witness to is as minuscule as can be, and has a way of wearing us down. We are constantly running uphill. There is not much in my caretaker life that is an instant, or even distant, pay off in regard to my spirit. Many accumulate these progressive feelings at work, with their healthy brained children, or in other endeavors. These are very lacking in my life with Aviana. Things do not feel as though they are moving forward, and against our greatest efforts, are often in reverse. Thank you for trusting and believing in me for this idea. I honestly appreciate it greatly!

You could have provided no greater gift for our family than what you have thus far. I am in awe, and so thankful for the family I have found in all of you!

❤

We have been so very busy with the care packages. Thank goodness we have a guest bedroom, we are filling it up quite nicely! My mom and I have been canvassing our local area and collecting as many donations as we can. I have been diligently following the requests of these very companies in written and follow up form.

So far, my mom and I have collected agreeance from two Starbucks locations, Taco Bell, Target, Noah's Bagel, Icing on the Cupcake, Sola Salons and a few others. Many more are still in the works and are looking quite positive :o) To me, there is nothing as beautiful as speaking to someone who actually takes the time to see your heart. The very best part is being met with kindness!

This is our first year, and I have to say...we have been pretty successful, more than I envisioned and especially with being so late in the game. In light of this, we have decided to extend our efforts to the UC Davis PICU as well =D Aviana spent her first month in their Trauma 1 PICU and then her third month in the Pediatrics Floor PICU.

Because we are going to be making more care packages than we thought, we have decided to assemble them all at once and complete one drop off to each of the hospitals. We are planning on delivering the packages sometime between December 17th and the 22nd.

Our local basketball team is the Sacramento Kings and now that Dave has been blessed with his long awaited season, he is going to contact them to see if one of the players can assist us with the deliveries! I can't wait to see how that turns out : )

I am including a card within each care package, which will list the name of each and every one of you who has graciously donated. I want for the families to know just how many people care about them.

If you would still like to donate, all of the information in order to do so is located here :o)

On another note, we finally chose a name for our fundraising efforts and I wanted to share it with you today. We have decided to affectionately call ourselves...

Aviana's Elves

❤

These are the kinds of gifts that keep on giving!

Thank you so much!

Your donations mean the world to us!

Our Girl

2011-11-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

❤ ❤ ❤

Sweet Baby

2011-11-20T15:38:00.000-08:00

We went to Dave's sister's birthday party and Aviana was so attentive. She was lifting her head and looking all over the place. Once again, she is letting me know she is bored with our house :o) She also ate everything we ate at the party. I think she devoured more than Dave and I combined ; )

She looked so cute, I just had to share...

Okay, I had to include this one too!

Stopping by to say....

2011-11-18T17:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages about joining in our care package efforts. We truly appreciate each and every one of your offers of help.

I think it is going to feel amazing to create each of these special gifts for the families. I am so excited and cannot wait to get started ;o)

I hope you all have a nice peaceful, exciting weekend!

With love,

Jen

Christmas Kindness

2011-11-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

When I am feeling down, the first thing I want to do is give. It always has a way of immediately lifting my spirits. I make donations, but as part of my partially created Bucket List, I have wanted to find more ways to physically give.

Today I was feeling pretty down, so I pushed all of my efforts into an idea I have been thinking of since I was sitting lonely in the PICU over two years ago.

Spending all your time in the confines of a hospital is an experience I do not wish upon anyone. I remember being there day and night. I would sometimes sit at the window and watch the whole world go round below, as mine was completely flipped on its head and spinning faster and faster out of control. Although there were nurses, doctors and people everywhere, I vividly remember feeling so alone.

As each holiday season comes and goes, I think of the revolving door of families who have unexpectedly found themselves in our local PICU watching there child fight for their life.

I have seen others come up with ideas of how to help and have always wanted to as well. Today I decided we would try our hand at something along those same lines.

Here's my plan, tell me what you think. I called the Kaiser Roseville, Ca PICU today and spoke with the manager. I asked if it would be okay if we created and delivered care packages for the various families during the holidays. The manager was really happy about the idea, and shared in my excitement.

From our own experience, I know those days are filled with sadness and uncertainty. My hope is to bring at least a sliver of happiness and love to these families in one of their darkest times. I want nothing more than to let them know that someone cares about them and they are not alone in their time of need.

I wrote a letter and sent it to Oprah in hopes of her possibly donating some subscriptions of her thought provoking magazine. I was looking for something that never ceases to deliver strong insight and messages of hope. I also sent letters to Starbucks and Nordstrom thinking they may be able to donate some gift cards for coffee. As the parents stay up all hours of the night next to their child, at least they can enjoy a nice, warm cup of coffee.

I am also going to visit our local cupcake and cookie shops to see if they would be willing to contribute to our care packages.

I know that times are tough right now, but if you would be willing to donate too, we would really appreciate it :o)

If you would like to join us in our efforts, here are some ways you can help...

you can donate toys, games, children's books, movies, cards, etc. If you choose to help in this way, I hope you don't mind me asking that all of these items are new.

✻

you can send a gift card of your choosing. If it helps, some of the establishments close to the hospital are: Starbucks, Fats, Chili's, Mikuni, Taco Bell, Rubio's, Noah's Bagel, Dos Coyotes, Chipotle, Macaroni Grill, Mas, Crush 29, Paul Martin's, etc. There is also a Century and United Artist movie theater directly across the street. Going to the movies might be a great escape for these families as well.

✻

you can also make a cash donation and I will put it towards the purchase of snacks, magazines, nice anti-bacterial, soaps and lotions, or anything else we think might be a comfort.

If you include a cash donation, you can make the check out to David or Jennifer Hodder. You can send any and all items to:

Christmas Kindness
c/o David Hodder

10308 Placer Lane Ste. 100

Sacramento, Ca 95827

If you have any questions or would like to donate through Paypal, you can contact us directly, our e-mail address is ~

forthehodders@yahoo.com

I really do appreciate you for considering helping us! We have been shown so much kindness over the last few years and it has always amazed me when someone has gone out of there way to think of us. We hope to do this every year as it is such a gratifying way to give back to families who are probably going through one of the worst times of their lives.

We are planning on starting deliveries around the middle of December.

;o)

We are trying to think of a name for our effort and are having a hard time. We thought Reese's (Aviana's middle name) Reindeer or Rainey's Reindeer sounded cute, but if you have any ideas for the name or care package items, please send them our way ; )

Thank you!

❤ ❤ ❤

Tug of War

2011-11-14T15:04:00.000-08:00

I am stuck in the middle of The Brain Injury Beast and The Grief Monster. They are strong. Often times, I can't decide who is stronger. They are two of the meanest, most relentless, bitches I could ever have found myself lodged between. Lately, they are both happily having their way with me. I try to stay my ground, but sadly I lose my footing and fall on my face. As I struggle to get back up, I can see their faces...it is more than obvious, they find great joy in seeing me stumble.

Being between these two is no easy task and takes everything I've got. At times, they get really aggressive and ferociously yank me from side to side. The harder I strive for balance, the more they work to knock me off kilter.

I am tired of the fight. I find myself getting weaker by the day. I so desperately need to re-build my strength, but each time they push me down, I find it that much harder to get back up.

For over two years, and at varying degrees, they have worn away at my mind, body and spirit. Right now, these two tyrants have me exactly where they want me. They are suffocating. Their grip is so tight, they cause me to focus on just them and render me nearly blind to all the beauty in my everyday life.

They are so close. Too close. They know I am weak. They can feel me crumbling. My demise is almost palpable to them, so they pull harder, work more. To one, or both, a sweet victory is on the horizon....

or is it?

Veterans Day

2011-11-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

To all veterans, past present and future ~ we honor, appreciate and thank you for every sacrifice you have made for for us!

To Sgt. Merenda ~ We love you so much and are thinking of you constantly as you prepare to go back and again fight for our country!